One whole year and several days have passed since we became parents. That moment of seeing our baby will forever be in my memory, and yet this memory is not accompanied with what would probably be considered the supposed reaction. I have always wanted to be a mother and we knew we always wanted to have a family, but being a mother never felt like it should be my occupation in my life. Thus, when we welcomed our daughter into our arms I was overcome with adrenaline we had prepared for this moment and Drew was an incredible couch during labor and delivery. I was so shocked that it had actually happened I had been able to give birth without any pain medication or intervention. These were the first thoughts I can remember, and that it was finally over! Ivy took her sweet time arriving, haha. After over 24 hrs. of labor she made her appearance into the world.
And now here we are a year later and I can say that the journey into Motherhood has not been smooth sailing for me. It is hard to put my finger on why maybe hormones, being in a new town, having a spouse in grad school. Whatever the reason the fact is it took time, and to top it off God gave us a baby who is not exactly low-key. From the get go our little girl has been loud and active. She is social and not a home body, and this makes for one very tired Momma. Ivy's joy seemed to pop through at about 5-6 months, and has been increasing since then! It was during this time that I think I realized I had started a trend. I have always been a future thinking person and a planner often to the fault that I have difficulty living fully in the present moment. And so it was with parenting, if only we could get to the next stage and then it would be wonderful, etc. However, with each new stage the same nagging empty feeling has continued. I see other women and hear other women express how motherhood has somehow completed them, that they have found their calling in life now. To be honest I am sometimes jealous of these women because for me motherhood has been one of loneliest journeys I have ever been on. Little babies are wonderful, but they offer very little in the reciprocal friendship department. They take and take and don't give. This 100% dependency is exhausting and at least for me very very lonely.
And so here we are a year later and I feel like I have learned so much about my self. I once read that motherhood is like a mirror and you get to see the good, the bad and the ugly reflected back at you. I am obviously still at just the tip of the iceberg in this journey, but I have already realized that one of the greatest gifts I can give my daughter is making sure to take care of myself. My loneliness and sadness does not allow me to give her what she needs. I have realized that God created me uniquely me and I am not called to be home 100% of the time and I just can't bring myself to do all of the housework (thankfully my amazing husband is also an amazing cook and is very capable in the home department because if he wasn't we would eat out a lot more or eat cereal). Maybe it is my forward thinking mind that knows that motherhood will come to an end as a "job"; children grow up and move out and then what? Where would that leave me....... God has used this time to really get me to think about where I draw my strength from and I have grown immensely. I am waiting. Waiting for what he has store and I know that as hard as I try to fit into the description of a stay at home mom it feels like an ill fitting costume.
And so here we are a year later and I have no idea if there are other women out there who struggle with this, but I hope that all mothers know that their journey into motherhood is unique. I cherish the fact that I live in a day and age where our family has the ability to shape our lifestyle to fit who we are. I am a mother no matter if I work full-time, part-time, from home or stay at home, and that freedom is amazing and liberating. Motherhood is an emotional, mental and physical transformation but for some of us it does not come easily.
And so a year later I hope that this new year brings new opportunities and less stress. I pray that I can become free of the invisible judgment I feel for not always loving being a mom, and I pray that my heart can become full again and that my passions and talents can be used.
