Friends who have become Family

Spring break is over and we are heading back into our normal routine....it was a wonderful, amazing break! I am so thankful that even though Drew works long, exhausting hours we are able to have breaks like this and spend time together as family.  I am also particularly thankful for frequent flyer miles that allow us to take trips to visit people who are very dear to our hearts!

And so, this post is a quick update on our life but also a thank you to those people in New England who hosted us, fed us, played with our kiddo, and spoke truth and life back into our tired, weary lives. We love you all so much and cannot express our gratitude enough for taking some time to see us last week/host us!

The week was packed full of visiting friends and family and taking Ivy to new places! Mother Nature apparently listened to our desires to have snow this past winter and dropped a few inches at the beginning of the week (our winter in Indiana had been very mild and rainy :( and as you may or may not know this family loves snow!) Unfortunately this caused a change in some plans and we were unable to see a few friends.  New England though is a really beautiful place all covered in white!

Our week was bittersweet, but also incredibly joyful as all our kids played together and we had so many amazing conversations with people we love!  Ivy decided she wanted to give up sleep and be a super picky eater, but all in all with all of the traveling and seeing a ton of new people she was an awesome little trooper. She slept for most of the plane rides and loved getting to play with new toys and new friends!

I think my heart in particular needed this trip. I needed to be challenged and loved on by people who know us well.  Our little town is beginning to feel more like home, but it has not been an easy journey and thus it was so nice to see friends who are like family. The ones that you can be real with and share the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Moving is hard but it is so worth it when you realize that you have made lifelong friends who live all around the country/world.  We now have only a few more weeks left till summer and then once again we will be able to catch up with friends and family with a car trip to PA and a plane trip out West.  Drew will be finishing up his Masters at Purdue this summer, and I am still in the waiting and praying mode as I learn more about myself and where God wants to use me in his ministry in our new town.  Ivy is doing great! She loves to climb on everything and definitely has more personality each and every day.

Here are some pics of friends and highlights from our trip! Thank you again to all of those people who blessed us with such a wonderful Spring Break!

Reading books on the plane to Boston

Hey there! Sweet baby Hayner it was such a joy to meet you!

Serious conversation

Fort building time!

Thankful we were able to get some cousin time in!

These two were too cute!!

The Sons are amazing! Ivy quickly became friends

Got to touch a Star Fish at the New England Aquarium

The adorable MG. Thanks for serenading us with your wonderful songs! 

Ivy hanging out at GCTS

Despite Ivy's expression we were so happy to meet Baby White! 

Hi, adorable baby who is flying over my face :)

And we are off! Back in the airport and ready to head home to the Sitka!

When Motherhood doesn't come easily

One whole year and several days have passed since we became parents.  That moment of seeing our baby will forever be in my memory, and yet this memory is not accompanied with what would probably be considered the supposed reaction.  I have always wanted to be a mother and we knew we always wanted to have a family, but being a mother never felt like it should be my occupation in my life.  Thus, when we welcomed our daughter into our arms I was overcome with adrenaline we had prepared for this moment and Drew was an incredible couch during labor and delivery.  I was so shocked that it had actually happened I had been able to give birth without any pain medication or intervention.  These were the first thoughts I can remember, and that it was finally over! Ivy took her sweet time arriving, haha. After over 24 hrs. of labor she made her appearance into the world.

And now here we are a year later and I can say that the journey into Motherhood has not been smooth sailing for me.  It is hard to put my finger on why maybe hormones, being in a new town, having a spouse in grad school.  Whatever the reason the fact is it took time, and to top it off God gave us a baby who is not exactly low-key. From the get go our little girl has been loud and active. She is social and not a home body, and this makes for one very tired Momma. Ivy's joy seemed to pop through at about 5-6 months, and has been increasing since then!  It was during this time that I think I realized I had started a trend. I have always been a future thinking person and a planner often to the fault that I have difficulty living fully in the present moment. And so it was with parenting, if only we could get to the next stage and then it would be wonderful, etc.  However, with each new stage the same nagging empty feeling has continued.  I see other women and hear other women express how motherhood has somehow completed them, that they have found their calling in life now.  To be honest I am sometimes jealous of these women because for me motherhood has been one of loneliest journeys I have ever been on.  Little babies are wonderful, but they offer very little in the reciprocal friendship department.  They take and take and don't give.  This 100% dependency is exhausting and at least for me very very lonely.

And so here we are a year later and I feel like I have learned so much about my self. I once read that motherhood is like a mirror and you get to see the good, the bad and the ugly reflected back at you.  I am obviously still at just the tip of the iceberg in this journey, but I have already realized that one of the greatest gifts I can give my daughter is making sure to take care of myself.  My loneliness and sadness does not allow me to give her what she needs.  I have realized that God created me uniquely me and I am not called to be home 100% of the time and I just can't bring myself to do all of the housework (thankfully my amazing husband is also an amazing cook and is very capable in the home department because if he wasn't we would eat out a lot more or eat cereal).  Maybe it is my forward thinking mind that knows that motherhood will come to an end as a "job"; children grow up and move out and then what? Where would that leave me....... God has used this time to really get me to think about where I draw my strength from and I have grown immensely.  I am waiting. Waiting for what he has store and I know that as hard as I try to fit into the description of a stay at home mom it feels like an ill fitting costume.

And so here we are a year later and I have no idea if there are other women out there who struggle with this, but I hope that all mothers know that their journey into motherhood is unique. I cherish the fact that I live in a day and age where our family has the ability to shape our lifestyle to fit who we are.  I am a mother no matter if I work full-time, part-time, from home or stay at home, and that freedom is amazing and liberating.  Motherhood is an emotional, mental and physical transformation but for some of us it does not come easily.

And so a year later I hope that this new year brings new opportunities and less stress. I pray that I can become free of the invisible judgment I feel for not always loving being a mom, and I pray that my heart can become full again and that my passions and talents can be used.